I scream to keep from crying

I've been ranting about something for the past few weeks.

I think that I've been ranting to avoid - hurting about something for the past several weeks.

Someone once called me "overly moral" - is there such a thing? Because I was a little sad when a friend of mine started having sex (for the first time). What he (John) didn't understand was that my sadness for her - was due to all the responsibilities that come with having sex. There's birth control, safe sex and hoping that your partner is honest about or at least safe in his sex practices.

My rant these last few weeks comes courtesy of Cheyney University, or rather, the male students at Cheyney University.

For nearly a month, the male students at Cheyney University have maintained a drug addicted prostitute on campus; she performed sexual acts and received money.

Having been to Cheyney I know that anyone, not a student, must be maintained - meaning, there isn't McDonald's or WaWA or even a motel in walking distance. Every meal, every moment of sleep, every shower or anything had to be under the auspices of students - male students.

So, the story goes - she lived among the students, charging for sexual favors. At one point, it is said that she had a line of customers for blow jobs - for which she charged $5.

I can't really pinpoint the source of my pain, my hurt...

I don't know if its because they used her, passed her around and took advantage of her drug addicted state.

Perhaps its that - the prostitute was HIV positive. That she admitted to having unprotected sex with "at least 10" male students.

Maybe I hurt and I just want to be mad at these men.... these males who knowingly had unprotected sex with a drug addicted prostitute in the age of AIDS

I might be hurt for the girlfriends, 'baby mama's', finances, 'buddies', one nighters, or who ever else they'll have sex with...

I think that my ranting and raving is the protection I needed not to stare in the face of what WE are capable of, our stupidity and our cruelty

Good and Evil

I had to ask myself what makes you a "good person"?

If you are a good father, give back to the community, attend church devoutly and believe and God - are you a good person.

Can you compartmentalize your good? If your a good father but lie to get what you want from another, does that balance out? Some would say, that is the definition of 'Human' - the balancing of positive and negative acts.

When I met him, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend. He did have children and had the appearance of a good father. We had a lot in common, felt the same way about the same things. We were even born a few days apart.

He said "Yes, I'm dating but she's not my girlfriend - you can ask her"

Today, I found out he had a girlfriend.

Yesterday, I told him - My father cheated on my mother, I don't want to be "that chick". The one on the side - the one a man cheats with.

He said "I wouldn't do that to you"

Today, I found out he has a girlfriend

So, I had to ask myself "what makes you a good person?"

I've decided - He's an ass and Not a good person, regardless of what he has done independent of knowing me.

Can you be a good father but not a good role model?

Can you be a devotee of Church and God and lie?

Can you say - To Hell with what you want, forget that you have no desire to participate in my cheating.....

My feelings are hurt, I admit.

Hurt because I've been let down by people, yet again. I guess I thought that if I was honest about not wanting to be with a cheat - he'd at least honor my wishes.

I think I've decided that he's not a good person, there are somethings that don't balance out but rather taint the good that you may do. Like modeling cheating behavior for you son. Lying to your girlfriend. Allowing your daughter to see, by your actions, that she shouldn't expect to be a person in her own right - just expect to play the role in some man's lie/life.

I guess within humans there are positive and negative acts - but there are acts that far out weigh another and have a lasting effect on your "future good"....

This might be one of those times.

Karma's a bitch